Walking into a lingerie store, a bastion of femininity, was much likegoing into the girl's locker room at school. It was a place that I hadben indoctrinated to avoid, that going inside would mark me as some kindof freak or pervert. Unfortunately anyone would now think that I fitperfectly into either.I felt self-conscious as we moved between the racks of bras and panties,half afraid that someone would start pointing at me and calling me apervert. Fortunately no one did anything of the sort, though one ofthe sales ladies did start walking over."Can I help you find anything?" the sales woman asked politely."My daughter just went through her twist," mom explained. "We don'tknow her measurements yet..." I'll be happy to help with that," the sales woman replied cheerfully."I'm Jessica."I hesitated, suddenly realizing for the first time that I no longerlooked remotely like a Lucas. Unless I wanted to be the subject ofridicule, or at least of everyone asking why I looked like a girl. She was a drug to me. A fascination that I just couldn't shake. My heart beat with her words and, quite possibly for the first time in my young life, I looked beyond the physical, looked beyond her outer appearance, and gazed at a person's soul. I realized how vapid and empty my relationships had been until then; her voice, the way she spoke, it reeked of substance and I was hopelessly hooked.I pursued her and I caught her. Oh, she didn't want anything to do with me at first. She thought I was leading her on for some nefarious purpose ... and I was, but not for the nefarious purpose she imagined. I felt a hole opening in me and I needed her to fill it.It took me 5 months to break her resolve and we dated, exclusively, for the rest of that year and the next. I took punishment for it, catcalls within my clique, laughter behind my back. I was called names – chubby chaser, fat lover, others that I don't need to repeat – and I just looked at them, angry, upset. Sometimes, I fought..
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